Personal Change

Transforming Head, Heart and Hand

If you're ready to embrace a profound transformation journey, read the first few lines. If they don’t resonate with you, continue reading to explore the tools and techniques to help you implement subtle and significant changes in your life.

Here's the paradox: You don't need to change anything.

Personal transformation isn't about becoming someone else; it's about removing the barriers preventing you from realising yourself. The most significant barrier is the ego. We are more than our bodies, personalities, or achievements. We are everything and nothing simultaneously. It's time to clean the mirror.

The next step is total acceptance. Embrace each moment as it is—whether it’s fantastic, magical, or deeply sad. How do we reach this state? By becoming like a child again - free of memory, reflection, and projection. Look within and stop seeking external answers. Things align naturally once you turn inward, keep silent, and accept the uncomfortable aspects of your life or society. The more you accept what seems unacceptable, the more freedom and autonomy you gain, healing from the world's illusions. Instead of maintaining a wall of resistance that gets painfully struck by events that "shouldn't be happening," let everything pass through you. This does not mean we will become inactive. Instead, we will act naturally, maintaining the perspective of an observer.

Be like a child, practice total acceptance, and live fully here and now. "Here and Now" is the third crucial element. Now more than ever, the solution lies in the present moment—in the Hic et Nunc. There’s no escape from who you truly are. Embrace silence in the present moment; take no action. Be the observer. Watch what unfolds, both the disorder outside and within, and accept it. The circle is complete: no ego, total acceptance, here and now, and silence. There’s nothing to search for; it’s all there, it has always been there. One day, it reappears, and you remember, and you know. There’s nothing to do—just be available. Welcome everything, let it flow through you, and don’t hold back. Life will guide you to whom and for what you need to be available.

I understand how absurd and challenging this sounds because the mind cannot grasp it. But we are not our minds. Before you continue, try reading the first lines of this article again, but more with your heart. Perhaps something is stirring within.

If you still feel no connection to these lines, that’s perfectly okay. Continue reading and embark on your journey of change. Everything has its time. Struggle for personal change requires the wholeness of your mind, heart, and willpower. Only the interaction of these three elements can lead to profound and sustainable change.

Most change processes fail or are diluted as we move forward. Just think about any personal change you have planned, like eating less, stopping smoking, going running every day, or building a closer relationship with a relative. We sense the urgency, build up some commitment, and then? … Sometimes, we temporarily change behaviour to return to our harmful or unintended behaviour.

To achieve personal change, I have embarked on an interdisciplinary journey to better understand it and developed not only a concept but also very practical tools and ways to succeed in your personal change endeavour.

Let's start with the head, the mind, because that's where we are most at home. For each element, I have developed the following 5 categories:

·       What do I need to do?

·       What do the result, the outcome or output look like?

·       What questions should I answer for myself?

·       What are the prerequisites?

·       What tools can I use to strengthen myself in this element?

I will not explain every tool in detail here, as these are covered in our training and coaching sessions. If you’re particularly interested in this topic, please email me at petra@civilsocietyacademy.de.

The best approach is to have a goal (a new routine, for example) in mind, something you would like to change soon.

Head: analytical discovery

What do I need to do: work on your rationale!

• Understand, study & analyse (knowledge, data, evidence)

• Reflect, think critically and expand your perceptions

• Don’t be ignorant, be honest with yourself, have a high level of consciousness

• Have clarity on the sense of life

• Get clarity & awareness of barriers

• Be courageous and take some risks

• Develop your plan (including how to deal with obstacles) and monitor it

What do the result, the outcome or output look like?

• Rational foundation of change

• Recommendations on what to do (mainly the 3-5 first steps or the new routine) and how to overcome obstacles -> plan

• Cognitive learning during the process through personal monitoring and evaluation

What questions should I answer for myself?

• Is the goal formulation SMART (specific, measurable, attractive, realistic, time-bound)?

• Why do I want to achieve this personal change? What is the “end” goal?

• Is it essential to a better life, my personal vision, mission, etc.?

• Have I tried to achieve this goal before? What were the reasons why I did not reach it? What other barriers could there be to attain this goal?

• How can I overcome the barriers?

What are the prerequisites?

• Have clarity on your personal vision, mission, values, sense of life and belief patterns

• Have worked on your trauma and stressors

• Which tools can I use to strengthen myself in this discipline?

• WOOP (to identify barriers)

• Exercise to find out your personal vision, mission, values, sense of life, and belief patterns

• Hatha yoga for the third eye (to foster intuition and focus)

• Birthday speech at the age of 100 (what would I like to have experienced and done by then) or speech at the grave (what would I like others to say about me)

• Journaling (especially for monitoring)

This dimension is crucial for clarifying what truly matters to us and what we want to change. Above all, it requires honesty with ourselves. This honesty leads to clarity about our personal vision, mission, values, and beliefs—and, if we wish to go deeper, the meaning of life itself. Changes aligned with these core aspects are more likely to be realised.

Many authors emphasise that the ‘WHY’ is the most critical factor in realising change. The ‘Why’ is your driving force, your fire. It’s crucial to dig deep. Superficial changes, made, for example, to please others, will quickly fizzle out and may do us no good. Like curious children, we must keep asking: why, why, why, and why again. Why do I want to lose 7 kilos? To feel better? To look attractive and finally meet the love of my life? To still be able to play football on the beach with my grandchildren when I’m 80? Or is it because society pressures me to be slimmer? If so, perhaps this isn’t your true goal. You need to define the end goal. Why do you want to achieve the SMART goal you defined?

In addition to honesty and clarity, we need courage—and sometimes the willingness to take risks—to bring about meaningful change in our lives. People often fear leaving the safe harbour of the familiar. But to make profound changes, we must be willing to set sail into the unknown. Failures are usually part of these journeys. Craving certainty and avoiding risk will keep us anchored in our small harbour. The most significant risk might be not taking any risks at all. Life will inevitably bring storms, and we can’t escape what’s meant for us. So, get curious about your fear and shift from control to trust.

It is critical to analyse the barriers and obstacles in the implementation process. An excellent concept is called “WOOP” (Wish, outcome, obstacles, plan). Gabrielle Oettingen developed this technique. It takes, above all, a mental effort of around five minutes to do this charming exercise. It is like a cleaning tool to especially identify the obstacles on your way and to develop plans on how to overcome the obstacles (for example, if your goal is to sleep better, an obstacle could be the cell phone in your bedroom; the plan is to put the cell phone in the kitchen during the night).

When creating a plan, it can be helpful to use an "IF-THEN" approach: IF I’m at a restaurant, THEN I won’t look at the menu to avoid being tempted by delicious meat. Instead, I’ll ask the waiter about their vegan options. (Your wish in this example: I want to stop eating meat from now on completely.) Or, IF/WHEN I go to bed, THEN I put the cell phone in the kitchen.

Part of the WOOP method is visualising the outcome. Visualisation creates clarity, focus, and precision. The subconscious mind doesn’t know what is real and what is imagination. When we visualise the goal's outcome, our imagination plants seeds.

Just as important as the smaller obstacles to concrete realisation are the major obstacles. Most of the time, stress is present in our lives for one or more reasons. We often have major construction sites or unresolved traumas that prevent us from implementing real change. If these exist in your life, either work on them first or at least in parallel with your change goals.

The autonomic nervous system controls and regulates all processes in the body that are not subject to voluntary control. It is part of our nervous system, the functions of which remain largely unconscious. It connects the central nervous system with almost all body organs. It consists of a sympathetic and parasympathetic system; both systems are well coordinated. While the impulses of the sympathetic nervous system generally have a rapid and mobilising effect, parasympathetic impulses tend to have a dampening effect on many organs. Metaphorically speaking, the sympathetic nervous system is the accelerator, and the parasympathetic nervous system is the brake. The sympathetic nervous system mobilises energy (fight or flight), and the parasympathetic nervous system relaxes (rest and digest). When we humans were still hunter-gatherers, we experienced this coordination and a healthy stress level.

Today, people are often in fight or flight mode and less in rest and digest mode. When this happens, we can hardly realise the changes in our lives. In this case, we must first take measures to reduce the stress level. This imbalance applies to financially more prosperous countries and countries where many people worry daily whether there will be enough money at the end of the month to feed the family, pay school fees, etc. In the “wealthier” countries, job stress often puts us into fight or flight mode. When we feel overwhelmed or experience unmanaged chronic stress, we don't change. On the one hand, we don't have the strength, but on the other, we feel a sense of security. Many people talk themselves out of stress. In many societies, stress stands for achievement. We feel validated through performance.

Yet we know that we are less productive when we experience chronic stress. The first step is to reduce the stress level and start feeling better. You cannot heal what you cannot feel! In addition to begin feeling which means improving self-awareness, having moments of calm we must work on our traumas (not only horrific tragedies like war or child abuse, it is any painful experience that makes us feel blindsided and out of our depth, for example being shamed by our parents or schoolmates can be traumatic or a financial downturn) so that they no longer burden the system. This often requires professional help. Detox your life first, before you work on bigger goals. Make peace with the past. And recognise the personal growth that emerged from your trauma. We can’t change the past; we can live in the present moment.

Heart: inner discovery

What do I need to do: attune to your heart!

• Empty the mind (mind-emptiness)

• Embody the goal and plan.

• Feel into and listen to your heart.

• Connect with the hearts of the people involved (if this applies), show empathy, voice your feelings, and be humble.

  
  

What do the result, the outcome or output look like?

• Human foundation of change

• Story of my heart

• Inner voice of yes or no! High level of motivation, passion, joy, maybe even bliss

• Constant emotional and embodied/physical learning

• Change is in line with humanity.

What questions should I answer for myself?

• What do I feel when I imagine the outcome of my goal?

• Will this goal bring more love into my life?

• Will this goal bring more love into humanity?

• Am I ready to share this goal?

• Does the goal come from the heart or the ego?

What are the prerequisites?

• Love for humanity

• Show yourself vulnerable

• High level of self-love (no longer driven by the ego)

• Empathy, humility, humbleness

• Knowing and living your dominant basic psychological need

• Open heart

Which tools can I use to strengthen myself in this discipline?

• Retreat to an undisturbed place and feel into your body, especially into your heart.

• Breathing techniques

• Delete social media and detox more often from your phone etc.

• Have one hour for you in the morning: for silence, to care for your body, and to make love. (What you experience during the first 30 minutes of your day sets the trajectory for your day ahead. If you start your day with self-nourishment, you’re laying the foundations for a great day ahead.)

• Talking about your vulnerabilities

• Assessment of your basic psychological needs

• Hatha yoga for the heart chakra

• Music meditation for the heart

• Prayers

• Exercises on empathy

• Gratitude list

• Forgive yourself for any judgment you are holding against yourself

• Looking into the mirror (and appreciating yourself, and if you want, say “I love myself”)

• Being naked in front of the mirror and start to love all parts of your body

• Embodiment: sit, stand and walk upright

• Work on negative belief patterns from the past

• Playing with kids

There is an ancient word. The heart, the mother, the heart, the mother, the heart, the mother of all my transformations. The intelligence of the heart knows what is true, good and beautiful. Unfortunately, we are often disconnected from our hearts. We have forgotten how to listen to our body and, above all, to our heart. And yet the heart is created in an embryo long before the mind. It is stronger, more powerful than the mind. Socialisation and trauma have separated us from our heart access.

The goal is to address the obstacles that prevent us from opening our hearts. The first step is learning to love ourselves, a challenge that studies show most people struggle with.

Self-love is experienced when you feel at ease within your core, are deeply connected to yourself, and when your decisions come from your innermost being. Loving yourself unconditionally means being true to yourself and saying "no" when something doesn't feel right. Self-love is not the same as self-focus or egocentrism. Self-focus is not self-love. The more we learn to love and accept ourselves as we are, the less self-focused we become. The well-being accompanying self-love opens the door to all other dimensions of life. We begin to act lovingly in the world—not for our own sake, but for our impact on others and the world around us.

In this state, we radiate positivity—we smile more, and our societal influence grows. At the same time, we experience inner peace. We no longer need to prove anything to ourselves or the world; instead, we act out of and through love.

Another critical step is to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Open up about your worries, weaknesses, and fears to someone you trust, and you might be surprised at how it changes your life. Gradually, expand the circle.

This takes time but can be practised in parallel with goal implementation. I have also named many tools for the heart and want to discuss only two of them here.

The heart’s intelligence knows what is true, good, and beautiful. To tap into this, find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed, tune into your body, consciously perceive your breath, and become fully present. Draw your attention to the area around your heart, in the center of your chest, and if it helps, place a hand there to become more aware of this space. Once you feel a strong connection with your heart, ask it, “What do you wish for?” Then, listen carefully to the images or words that arise from within. It can be helpful to jot down or record what comes up. Connecting with your heart in this way often reveals what it truly longs for. However, you may need to repeat this exercise multiple times over a longer period to fully connect with your heart’s desires.

Another exercise you can start immediately is sitting, standing, and walking with good posture. Our body reflects our well-being, and by consistently reminding ourselves to maintain an upright posture, we naturally boost our self-confidence. The body and mind are inseparable.

Hand: living the calling

What do I need to do: use your willpower and self-discipline:

• Understand the underlying factors of willpower and self-discipline.

• Have tools at hand to come back on track.

What do the result, the outcome or output look like?

• Deep engagement

• Feelings of contribution

• Rising levels of dopamine

• Being an inspiration for others

What questions should I answer for myself?

• Do I have things running in my life that take a lot of energy out of me?

• Am I a person with a lot of perseverance and discipline?

• Am I healthy, physically and mentally?

• Is the goal coming from the heart?

What are the prerequisites?

• Self-discipline & willpower, courage, optimism

• A healthy body full of energy

• Control of the subconscious mind

• A clean life (traumas treated)

Which tools can I use to strengthen myself in this discipline?

• Have your new routine and/or plan visible all the time

• Have a friend to remind you and to ask for help

• Make a vow to others, talk about your goals and smaller or bigger achievements

• Set positive incentives

• Visualise the outcome of your goal (e.g. bathroom mirror)

• Lift apps

• Celebrate success

• Be playful like a child

• Have at least one conversation with an interesting person each week to keep your passion high and to surround yourself with big ideas

• Do the grit test of Angela Duckworth

• Martial arts like kung fu or krav maga

• Running

• Hatha yoga for the root and manipura chakra

• Do fasting for several days once or twice a year

• Healthy diet

• Regenerative love making

• Giving public speeches

• Looking into a fire

• Watching the sunrise

• When your cup is full, stop pouring

• Mediate for 5 minutes a day

• Turn off your devices more often

• Focus on your breath whenever you are stressed

• Mother Theresa chair exercise

• Have a band around your wrist. And if you don't stick to a routine, you have to switch it to the other side

• Become the observer of your subconscious mind

• Black dot exercise

When the mind and heart are aligned, implementation often flows effortlessly. This is the beauty of coherence between the heart and mind. When they are in harmony, you are fully present in the Here and Now, progressing toward your goal. This alignment can even lead to moments of pure bliss.

However, remember that the groundwork—such as detoxing your life and addressing obstacles and traumas, which you’ve already worked on mentally—must be revisited continually during the implementation process.

While willpower is the inner strength that drives us to initiate something, perseverance helps us stay the course. Some people are naturally endowed with more willpower and perseverance than others; they’re the ones who persistently pursue their goals once they’ve set their minds to something. Typically, individuals with a high psychological need for self-efficacy or power tend to have stronger willpower than those whose primary psychological needs are belonging or autonomy. These four basic psychological needs—self-efficacy, power, belongingness, and autonomy—are fundamental to human motivation.

People born under fire signs like Leo, Sagittarius, and Aries often possess more willpower. On the other hand, those with a strong need for autonomy are more likely to exhibit perseverance, perhaps because they are usually self-reliant and accustomed to handling things on their own. Taurus, Capricorn, and Virgo are known for their natural persistence and tenacity.

Perseverance, persistence, tenacity, and self-discipline have a greater impact on success than talent or intelligence. Angela Duckworth highlights this in her book Grit, drawing on several scientific studies, including one conducted at West Point, the United States Military Academy. In her GRIT approach, Duckworth combines perseverance with passion, demonstrating that people who embody this “grittiness” tend to lead more satisfying lives. She also offers numerous strategies, particularly for parents and educators, to help foster perseverance in children.

It's also important to recognize the potential causes of procrastination and work on them: fear of failure, fear of confrontation (often arising from tasks that require interaction with others), fear of success (perhaps due to envy from others), fear of consequences (like quitting a job or moving), or shame (worry that work done so far isn’t good enough).

I have outlined various tools and approaches that can help you cultivate persistence, strengthen your willpower, improve your physical and mental health, and gain better control over your subconscious mind.

It is not about falling in love but staying in love!