How Belief Patterns Control Us
- Petra Speier-Werner
- Aug 5
- 10 min read
Updated: Aug 6
Excellent leaders understand the importance of becoming aware, examining and refining their belief patterns. This self-improvement benefits them personally and enhances their ability to inspire, support, and lead others effectively.
"We are not who we want to be. We are what society wants us to be. First of all, we are what our parents want us to be. We don't want to disappoint anyone, we have an infinite need to be loved. That's why we stifle the best in ourselves. Gradually, what was originally the light of our dreams turns into the monster of our nightmares. It is the unrealised life plans, the unrealised possibilities." (Coelho 2014)
Why is this article essential for you to?
Do you want to make the world a better place? Do you have a vision and mission that you're eager to bring to life? Are you a leader of an NGO, a social pioneer, or an activist?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, understanding the concept of beliefs is crucial for you and your mission. The answers are provided in the following paragraphs along with practical exercises to help you get started immediately.
What are belief patterns?
Belief patterns refer to the habitual ways individuals think, perceive, and interpret the world based on their core beliefs. These patterns shape how people understand reality, respond to situations, and make decisions. Beliefs are deeply ingrained. Over time, they create recurring patterns of thought and behaviour. Belief patterns strongly influence our reality, shaping not just how we think but how we experience life itself.
An example of a positive belief pattern is “I can learn from my mistakes,” which promotes growth and resilience. An example of a negative belief pattern is “I can't be happy as long as I'm not in a relationship,” which might lead to a pessimistic outlook and suffering.
Unfortunately, most of our belief patterns are negative, as are most of our daily thoughts, which are the same each day and mostly negative.
Where do our belief patterns come from?
Our beliefs come from many sources: parents, siblings, caregivers, teachers, relatives, friends, the media, society, and personal experiences. Until the age of 7, we absorb these beliefs unquestioningly. Even after that, we don’t necessarily critically reflect on new beliefs shared with us.
Each day, around 90% of our brain's thoughts are the same as the day before. However, repetitive thinking doesn’t always reflect the truth, and most of our thoughts are negative, often influenced by external sources.
Ultimately, the culture we are born into shapes our beliefs and behaviours through the actions and expectations of those around us. But what is culture? Culture can be defined as the collective programming of the mind. It encompasses society's rules, norms, and laws that shape how we think and act.
What do beliefs do to us?
Beliefs help us reduce the complexity of societies. They may also explain our society's success and our survival. But that doesn't mean we can't question them for ourselves.
Many rules program us to fit into society in the best possible way. We play the game. What the majority thinks must be right. We accept the rules without questioning them. However, in many cases, they limit us in our entire being, which wants to be lived. In this rush to conform, we often ignore or overrule our genuine feelings – even intense ones, like longing or anguish – to please our cultures. At that point, we’re divided against ourselves. We aren’t in integrity (one thing) but in duplicity (two things). Or we may try to fit in with several different groups, living in multiplicity (many things). (Beck 2022) It takes so much power and discipline to go against our nature to please!
Beliefs act as filters through which we interpret events. For example, someone who believes that "people can't be trusted" might view neutral or positive interactions with suspicion.
Belief patterns can become self-reinforcing. For instance, if someone believes they’re not good enough, they may subconsciously seek evidence to support that belief.
Belief patterns significantly affect emotions and actions. Negative belief patterns, for example, may lead to anxiety or self-sabotage, while positive patterns can promote resilience and success.
Belief patterns can lead to biases, such as confirmation bias, where a person seeks information that aligns with their beliefs while ignoring contradictory evidence.
Why do we follow the rules? What stops us from living our dreams?
Our culture teaches us how a "good" person should behave, and we follow those expectations. In return, we anticipate the promised rewards: happiness, health, prosperity, true love, and strong self-esteem. Yet, despite doing everything right, the equation often doesn’t add up, and we don’t feel fulfilled.
Confused, we assume we must be falling short—perhaps we are not doing enough or not doing it correctly. But the more effort we put into chasing well-being, the further it seems to slip away. (Beck 2022)
Blockages to overcoming belief patterns are manifold. For example, I fear making the wrong decisions, rejection, a life crisis, not being enough, and not fitting into the society I am in right now.
What might help us to work on our belief patterns and maybe to break out?
"When I was young, I wanted to change the world. Now I try to prevent the world from changing me." (Bambaren 2020) The main question is: Do we want to become what society wants us to be or live our innermost self?
When we start to resist rules, life can become a crisis. We are afraid of crises, but there are many reasons to accept crises, even to love them. They are often an escape from the outside world and an intrusion into our inner world. The gradual subordination of our inner world to the outside world is loosened or broken through. We are no longer "nice" to the outside world. We stop doing things to please others. This step is only possible if we already have a lot of self-love and self-confidence, because then it is possible to endure resistance from the outside world. This also means being courageous and going our own way.
Once we reach deep in our hearts, we are ready to give love purely. And this is how we change the world. We first need to go on this inner path to finally give back to humanity with a pure, open heart. Studies show that giving can lead to many chronic illnesses. Women experience them more than men. Either we don't give out of pure love, but our ego dominates, or we reach the limits of our strength. Both are far removed from deep self-love. So, we must find the way to our heart before giving out of abundance and changing the world. Or to coin it more poetically: Our soul is covered in dust. The dust is the many rules. Soul cleansing leads to becoming whole again.
Why should we work on our belief patterns?
The inner self is always positive and beneficial for society! We are love! Ultimately, it is no longer about us, but about giving our truth, love, and perfection to humanity.
Pioneers of change, activists, want the best for the world. If we have not taken the path shown, our actions are often not pure. Either they drain us, or the ego continues to resonate. We do things to feel good, but not to give unconditional, pure love to the world. We have to become activists of love to make the world a better place.
Here are some examples of belief patterns:
The examples are negative because we must work on these negative beliefs. Positive beliefs give us strength and courage. Of course, we can also question them. However, when working with beliefs, the focus is on those that hold us back.
Self-worth:
I am not good enough.
Others can do more than I, are more intelligent, and achieve more.
I am worth less than others.
Some people are "smarter"; I'll never get there.
My achievements and my appearance define me.
We have to prove to others how good we are.
Career and finances:
You have to work at least 8 hours every day to be successful in life.
I can compensate for my inner emptiness with money.
Save money so that you have a secure future.
I have to deliver perfect work, otherwise I'm worthless.
Career and love are not compatible.
A real man never gives up a secure, well-paid job.
No pain, no gain!
Money is dirty!
We must change the world in big steps to become a superwoman or a superman.
Love/partnership:
I don't deserve to be loved.
Everyone finds the love of their life, except me.
Nobody can love me.
I make other people unhappy.
Women who don't get married are ugly.
I can't be happy as long as I'm not in a relationship.
Health:
My body is against me.
I'm too old to be active and attractive.
Illness is part of old age.
Social environment:
If you meet 10 people, 9 of them are idiots.
I can't trust anyone.
Interpersonal contact only causes conflict.
We can only love one partner for a lifetime.
We have to be good at school, otherwise we can't be successful in life.
Behave in conformity so that others will accept you.
How can negative belief patterns be turned into positive ones?
Belief patterns can be altered through self-reflection, therapy (like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), or new experiences. This often involves identifying limiting beliefs, challenging their validity, and adopting healthier, more adaptive perspectives.
I want to share some practical exercises. More are explained and practised in our leadership training.
Exercises:
3-colour exercise with powerful questions
Which beliefs have shaped you and continue to determine your life? Are they your truth? Take a sheet of paper and write down all the rules that currently determine your life. Then take a critical look at them and colour them in three colours:
Green: This rule comes from deep in my heart
Yellow: This rule has shaped me for a long time and suits me
Red: This rule has nothing to do with my truth. I have followed it so far because everyone else does, or many do
Now take one or two red ones and ask yourself the following questions:
Is that 100% true?
Is it always and for everyone?
What would my life be like without this belief?
Example: "Money doesn't make you happy":
1. Is that 100% true? - No, it's rubbish. I'm happy when I get money.
2. Is it ALWAYS and for EVERYONE like that? - No, I also know people who are rich AND happy.
3. What would my life be like without this belief? - More money would probably come into my life, or I could at least accept it more relaxedly.
Turn the sentence round!
Turn the sentence around, write it down in a positive way!
Formulate the sentences in a really positive way, and don't make them non-sentences or no-sentences.
An example of changing beliefs:
Belief: "I'm too stupid for this."
Wrong: "I'm not too stupid."
Correct: "I can do a lot and am learning daily."
In this way, you reformulate every negative belief and end up with a sheet full of new, positive beliefs.
Close your eyes and see yourself living this sentence somewhere!
My story: The power of stories and perspectives
We can frame our childhood in a very negative way: "You were a victim. Your parents divorced. Your dad was distant, even after you earned a US scholarship. He loved your sister more. Only achievements mattered, and you were told you had to become a professor."
Or, we can tell the opposite story: "Your mom was always there for you. She supported you, even when you skipped school. My father had a difficult childhood. He told me about it and confided in me. He always wanted me to be financially better off than him in the future."
Stories grow in power the more we tell them, becoming our beliefs and eventually shaping our reality. That’s why creating a strong, positive narrative from our past and childhood is essential— perception becomes reality. This is the power of stories!
How to Develop a Stronger Story?
There are two main approaches:
Reframe the past through empathy: If you still blame certain people for your pain, try—at least mentally—to ask, "Why did you act the way you did?" If you can understand their perspective, this often leads to empathy. Parents may act out of their struggles, not to harm you, but because of their limitations or self-interest.
Balance the narrative: Write down five negative things you accuse your parents or others of. Then, list five positive things they did for you. Shift your focus to these positive things, and your self-perception will change.
If you can list three negatives, find three positives. What if you can’t find anything positive? Then, thank your parents for at least giving you the gift of life. Gratitude for that alone can shift your mindset and help you rewrite your story.
Start dreaming
If you feel like it today or in the next few days, go out into nature to dream up your rules. Or use your next holiday, the distance, the unknown, to work out your rules. Try to activate your mind and heart. When your mind thinks it has found a "rule that is you", feel into your heart (or any other part of your body that wants to speak to you). What do you feel? Does the rule feel comfortable in your body?
Find like-minded people who want to walk this path with you
It is possible to question and break through rules and beliefs. The path is certainly not easy, but the increasingly manifest feeling of inner harmony of mind and heart is miraculous. It helps to find like-minded people who walk this path together. There is a breathtaking magic in every day of our lives to discover our truth more clearly and deeply. This needs a voice that was there at birth. Noise and the voices of the outside world have silenced our voice.
I want to finish with another quote from Pascal Mercier:
‘I watched you grow up, I marvelled at the effervescence of your spirit, I heard your curses about God. I didn't like your friend Jorge, anarchists scare me, but I was glad you had a friend, a boy like you, it could have been different. Your mother dreamt of you pale and silent behind the walls of an institution. She was deeply shocked by the text of your graduation speech. ‘A blasphemous son, what have I done to deserve this!’ she said. I read the text too. And I was proud! And envious! Envious because of the independence of thought and the upright gait that spoke from every line. They were like a shining horizon that I would also have liked to reach, but which I would never be able to achieve, the leaden gravity of my upbringing was too great for that. How could I explain my proud envy to you? Without making myself small, even smaller and more depressed than I already was?’ (Mercier: 2004)
Literature:
Bambaren, Sergio, 2020: The Dolphin.
Beck, Martha, 2022: Integrity.
Coelho, Paulo, 2014: Adultery.
Grant, Adam, 2016: How Non-Conformists Move the World.
Mercier, Pascal, 2004: Nachtzug nach Lissabon